Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
