My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
