So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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