I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
