adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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