I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
