I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
