had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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