i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
