How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
