Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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