she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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