I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
