my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
