he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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