I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
