I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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