Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
