Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
