a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
