I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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