i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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