Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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