i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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