Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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