Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
