My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
