This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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