Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You pole danced in your parka.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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