If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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