I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
