I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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