Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
