At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
