i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
should my penis look like a turkey
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
