I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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