THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
