I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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