the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The Olympian is in my bed
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