i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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