i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
