Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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