So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
