I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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