I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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