I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
