Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
