you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
