Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
