But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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