She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.