she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?