Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
